February 9th

Yes I know it's February 19, 2009.
I know February 9th was 10 days ago.
I was too absorbed with that date to blog anything special about that date and why its forver burned into my brain.
Why? That was the very last Culbertson Family photo ever taken.

It was the last photo showing my family as it used to be.

My daddy, Donald. My momma, Jeanne. My sisters, Tricia on my left and baby sister, Bonnijean, on my right. It was this picture which has become my most treasured. When everything seemed normal. Normal? Well as normal as "Culbertson normal" ever was.

Daddy was diagnosed with lung cancer following the Martin Luther King Jr week-end in January 2004. I had come home from an extended week-end at Big White up in Canada. A glorious skiing filled week-end. Then the news. Daddy has stage 4 lung cancer. Stage 4? What's that? That is the end of the Cancer chart. Chemo? Gama Knife treatment? 3 to 6 months to live? No success? I was in shock.
With my living in Bellingham at the time, and my family still down south near Puyallup, we opted to meet in the middle for family pictures. We all met at Sears for what we never guessed would be our last family photo. Its a good picture capturing the real us.

Following February 9th were week-ends driving back and forth from Bellingham and home. That was 240 miles, round trip, for 20 week-ends.
That was miles of quiet thoughts in my Honda on I-5.
That was me living in disbelief.
That was my brain telling me that this isn't happening, it happens to other people.
That was me realizing that I was losing my daddy to that damn cancer.
That was me, alone.

Every year since 2004, from Martin Luther King Jr. week-end to Fathers Day in June, I re-live my daddys struggle and my personal emotional battle with that struggle.

2004 was the roughest, most challenging, changing, emotional, life sucking, painful, desolate, tearful, lonely time I'd ever experienced in my life. Each year it has become somewhat less painful. 2004 also brought me the most wonderful and beautiful man, other than my daddy, that I had ever known. My Thomas. His strength, his encouragement, his belief in God and God's love, his constant quiet at my side as he held my hand, his peaceful understanding of my pain helped me survive 2004.

2005 brought is our gift from God, our son Trenten. Each time I look at Trenten I wish daddy could have held him when he was born, kissed him, and gave him his first toy car. Daddy always tried to convince me that I'd be a good momma, that I was meant to be a momma. He knew it. I remember those many conversations about children and how I was never going to ever have any. Daddy just laughed or smiled at me and told me I'd change my mind when I found the right one. Oh daddy, you were so right. Thankfully daddy knew my Thomas before me. So I know daddy knows I am happy and doing my best to be that wonderful momma he knew I could be.

Yes it's February 19th.... 5 years and 10 days ago I received the above picture in the mail. I had it framed in Bellingham. Now I have it framed in the house of love, Cottege d'Orr.

Soon it will be March. March 6th was my sisters engagement party. Daddy was wearing a bandana then. His hair was gone from chemo & gama knife treatments. Those were to ease his pain and give him a better quality of life, not extend it as my brain worked it. My brain remembers daddys clots and his stay at the University of Washington hospital March 20-25th. My brain remembers the doctors discussing hospice with us all as we gathered in daddys hospital room. Now I know I heard what they were saying, yet it was later in that week when it was Thomas, both of his hands cupping my face staring directly into my eyes, explained to my brain what Hospice meant. My brain cracked. My protective shell evaporated. Reality rushed in completely numbing any thought process. I sat there, staring into space. I was going to lose my daddy. I was going to be alone. Yet its not about me. Its about daddy. Its about my mom is losing her husband and my sisters losing their daddy too.

April was daddys 68th birthday. We had a nice party at my sisters house. Daddy was bald now. Hospice game over several times a week for massage, exercise, medicines, and overall health assessment. April was the last time daddy helped me buy a car. I bought a Subaru then. It was a 2 door zippy thing with a hatch. Daddy told me if I liked it, then get it. He approved.

May and June seem to blend. Daddy's health worsened to where he would have seisures and then fall alseep for long length of time on the couch. Watching those seisures riped my heart into pieces. There was nothing I could do to help him other than once the seisure passed, help him to the sofa to sleep. Then Fathers Day week-end was his last week-end with us. He was in such intense pain that he was given morphine. I believe we all knew this was the end. We all stayed with mom and daddy that week-end. It was a really warm week-end too. I remember the window being open, the fan on, and 7 to 8 people in daddy's room. He was having a very difficult time breathing. On June 19th, Saturday, was the last time I heard daddy tell me he loved me. "I love you too twerp" were his words. Then off to the hospital he went in the aid car. I cried all day that Saturday. I knew in my soul daddy was leaving the next day. I didn't know how to explain it to anyone, I just knew. I knew.

Fathers Day comes and daddy is now in a coma. His breathing was irregular. He was gasping. His fingers and toes were bluish purple. Many people came over to say their good byes that week-end. Finally, after his blessing to go be with God, and that we would all be taken care of, at 9:30pm daddy opened his eyes for the last time and took his last breathe. Then he was in peace.

I didn't cry as I thought I would. I wasn't glad daddy was at peace yet I wasn't sad that he was finally. I wasn't sad. I don't know what I was then and still do not now. I remember seeing him laying there, like he was asleep. He truly looked peaceful and resting.

He will have been gone 5 years this Fathers Day.
I miss him everyday.
I also know that I would not be the Heidi I am today if he hadn't been part of my life.

Love you daddy.